The Long Overdue Massive Update on Me

It's been a long time since I've gotten out my lappy to write, so I might as well write about what I've been up to and all the news.

First, I'd like to announce the new addition to our family: Samson or the Samsonator or Samuel L. Samson and sometimes even Sammy Davis Samson. He was my Christmas present from Glenn. We rescued him from the human society on December 23rd, and he has since become our child. Samson loves playing mousey and will bring it to you constantly. His other hobbies include chirping, waking us up early on days we can sleep in, and dancing. He is also partial to the Colbert Report and Hell's Kitchen. He enjoys being pet anywhere as he is a total attention whore. He's the most perfect kitty.

My second big announcement is that I got a new job! Yay! It's in the private sector and for a company that I believe in (think Green). I was hired as a quantitative research analyst. The money is fantastic, and I really feel like I can make a contribute and add value to the Quant. department. I'm a good researcher and statistician and it seems they need both!

Now that I am settled in a relationship, my traveling has been minimal these days. The last major trip I took was in October. Teri and I went to Brussels and Prague.

Brussels: There is not a lot to do here and everything that you can do in Brussels is in walking distance (it's a small city). The people are fantastic. The food, beer, coffee, and chocolate are beyond compare. If you got to Brussels, you must do a day trip to Bruges (to see the beauty of Brugge I highly recommend the movie In Brugges).



I thought this name of this pub in Brussels was hysterical. My most favorite name for a pub was the Mort Subite aka Swift Death. The Belgians are funny!




Teri and I at the Mort Subite.



A boat trip in Bruges.

Brussels is fantastic for their people, food, and beverages, but Prague is about the polar opposite. The people aren't as friendly and the food isn't as good, but going to that city is like stepping back into time. It is one of the most beautiful cities that I've been too. My pictures are still being developed but here are a couple.



Teri and I posing in front of the Astronomical Clock. The best time to explore Prague is in the early morning. We got an early start and were one of the first people out.



The hazy view from Prague castle. It was sooooo cold that day.

I will leave you with a list of things that are coming up that I am looking forward too: Duran Duran, Vegas to see Love and Duran Duran, Avenue Q, Eddie Izzard (can't believe I get to see him live), Nine Inch Nails, Oasis, Bumbershoot....

Sales People: Dirty Sleazy Gits or Helpful Information Brokers?

With Vampire Boy trying to cultivate a career in real estate, I've come to realize I have a deep seeded mistrust of sales people especially sales people of high end products like cars or houses. I recently read a news story where real estate agents and car salesman where among the least respected professions in America. Obviously, I am not alone in my mistrust of people in these professions. This seems to beg the question of WHY do I and so many others feel this way?

For me, I've studied and taught persuasion for over 10 years. I know all the sales techniques and probably could be a great sales person if it didn't make me feel like I needed to bleach myself after a days work. Some techniques are down right sleazy, and I have the ability to see them coming from a mile away. See I tried sales, and it made me feel like I was infringing on people. When I worked in a shoe store, I hated to up sell. "Do you need socks or nylons today?" Don't people know if they need a pair of socks without me asking them? I digress.

Why do people mistrust, dislike, and some times down right loathe people who do sales? Let's face it, we think that the real estate agent is only interested in his/her 3% commission or the car salesman is only interested in making his/her sales quota and commission goals for the month. Essentially, we believe that they don't have our best interest at heart. The only interest they have in us and the only reason they are deeming to talk to us is because they see the potential customer as a walking dollar sign. A sleazy sales persons sells people houses or cars, they know they cannot afford. Houses and cars that will eventually be repossessed and foreclosed on. Why do they do this? To make a bigger commission. In the book, Freaknomics, real estate agents keep their own houses on the market 10 days longer to make a large profit of about 10K or more. However, they encourage clients to take the first bid that is good because their commission on that extra 10K is about 300 bucks. There is no incentive to work 10 more days to make paltry 300 bucks. (This is smart economics and time management for the agent, but not so great for the client).

Vampire Boy asked me this morning what my best sales experience was. My first response was one where they leave me the fuck alone and let me make my own decision. Then I remember why I bought my first Saturn. I was initially attracted to Saturn because of their no dickering policy, but I was still considering a Toyota Corolla as well. The sales person gave me really useful information (from outside, non-Saturn sources) about maintenance on a Saturn vs. a Toyota. The Saturn was far cheaper to maintain than the Corolla. This sold me that car. Why did it sell me?

1. The sales person knew his stuff. He understood the competition and the strengths of a Corolla. Basically, he was full of useful information.
2. He presented evidence to me on why in the long run a Saturn was cheaper to have than a Corolla. He actually SHOWED me the articles. Once again, giving me the information but also presenting a well research argument.
3. Doing this showed that I was not a walking dollar sign to him, he actually had my best interest at heart and wanted to save me money. Of course, he could still be looking at me as a walking commission BUT the key here is he did not make me feel that way!

He got my business and I've been going back to Saturn ever since!

Bottom line for a sales person to be trusted, we've got to feel like we are more than just a dollar sign with legs. We have to feel that they care more about us than their commission. They have to be knowledgeable, well-researched, and be able to set their own interest aside for that of the customer.

How Not to Use PowerPoint

Thanks to Dr. BK for this! This man succinctly sums up all the millions of PowerPoint blunders a person can make in about 4 minutes. Plus, it is hilarious!

Advice to Marrieds: Don't Forget the Single Days

We singles all go through periods of frustration where our dating life sucks. We go out on an endless number of dates and those dates never seem to go anywhere. So of course, we go to our friends for support. Now if you are like me, MANY of your friends are married or otherwise partnered. It seems that being married makes them FORGET how difficult it was to be single. So we go to our married friends, tell them are tales of sorrow, and then we get the canned cliched advice.

So you marrieds out there, listen up! Here are several phrases never to say to a single person!

1. "Why is a nice, sweet, fun, intelligent, funny woman like yourself not married yet?" Well, I went down to the marriage store, and they were plum out of husbands. They told me good men will be in stock next Never.

2. "It will happen when you least expect it." What does this mean? If I stop expecting it, it will happen? How does one stop expecting something that one really wants? What does stop expecting look like?

3. "Just stop trying. It will happen when you aren't trying." So if I stay at home eating bon-bons on my couch, Mr. Right is going to automatically appear? I never thought I would end up with the pizza or cable guy but ok!

Seriously, if you want to be supportive of your single friends just sympathize. Listen to the single girl's story of whoa and say "That sucks. Men are retarded." Don't offer any sage advice.

To my married friends, I am not writing this blog about you. I am blessed with the best married friends instead of the smug married variety.

Auto-Focus: Part Movie Review, Part Social Commentary

So this movie was really twisted, and I have to say that I enjoyed every second of it. Since sex is such a taboo topic in our country (it's in the top 3 of the most commonly avoided topics in relationships), I'm always excited about a film that explores sex or what some would consider 'the dark side' of sex in such a frank manner. Some background for those of you who haven't seen it, first it's based on a true story. Bob Crane (star of Hogan's Heroes) and his best mate, Carpenter, get into the swingers lifestyle. They also video record their escapades and the lifestyle becomes more of an addiction for them both. They are obsessed with constantly finding sex and getting it, and when not they are watching their past triumphs on video. It seems that Carpenter has a bit of a crush on his old friend, Bob. When Crane finally wants to escape the lifestyle and for all intensive purposes, breaks up with Carpenter, then Carpenter goes a little nutty and allegedly kills crane with a tripod (he was never convicted of killing Crane).

The movie does portray this lifestyle in a manner that makes it salacious. Crane was deceiving his wife, keeping a photo album of his conquests (and showing it around), and then publicly objectifying female audience members. Clearly, he was out of control with his addiction and "sick". However, if you saw Oprah's show on swingers in suburbia or personally know a couple who are poly or involved in the swinging scene, you would know that their lifestyle is no where near as salacious or interesting as Bob Crane's.

Couples who are polyamorous typically have excellent communication between partners. They are open and honest about their activities. Additionally, they possess high levels of trust and interdependence (no, I don't have an academic cite for this). They have clear communication about the boundaries and rules of their relationships. Honestly, they look and act like every other couple one would see on the street. They just define commitment differently for their relationship. Although this lifestyle does not appeal to me personally, I have heaps of respect for those who successfully define commitment in this way and navigate the tricky communication channels.

As for the movie, Greg Kinnear puts in a stellar performance as Bob Crane and once again proves his acting chops. For a guy who is not a trained actor. William Dafoe is equally disturbing playing the conflicted Carpenter. Overall, the story line will make you think, but it is definitely not for those with narrow views about sex and sexuality.

The Problem with Academia

Research Girl is PISSED!

One of my very best friends, Elle, called me in tears after what should have been one of the best days of her life. Elle was finally defending her dissertation. Elle's struggle to get to this point was monumental. To give it perspective, Elle started her Ph.D. program a year after I did. I've been done with my degree for SIX years, and she has just defended her dissertation. What the heck?

The good news is that she didn't fail, but she didn't pass either. The committee members won't sign off because so much time has lapsed since the prospectus defense that they don't trust her to get the revisions done!

In actuality, it's not about Elle's dissertation or the time that has elapsed, but it is about politics plain and simple. Elle's advisor is the type who tells a student to paint the dissertation red, then green, then blue, and then decides he liked it better red. She has done revision after revision to please him. The type of advisor that wants to make this process as excruciating as possible. The type of guy who would rather see his student have a nervous break down than get finished. Great mentoring! The committee has not seen any of these revisions so they don't know how much work she has put in. Has Elle slacked off a bit? Yes. Then again her father and grandmother died the same week so that might cause most people to slack off a bit as well. I guess that is a reason not to pass someone, eh? God forbid she puts grieving before the all mighty dissertation.

The fact is that Elle is one of the most intelligent, articulate, and motivated people I know. She has worked hard for this degree, and she deserves it. In fact, part of her dissertation has been published, she has gotten TWO jobs off of the merits of this research, and she has even gotten a GRANT to continue this research. However, none of that is good enough for this university!!! Maybe if she made a blood sacrifice, they would grant her a Ph.D.

On a personal note to Elle, keep fighting. Do the revisions, track how you answered their comments in a separate document, and don't let the bastards get you down! You are one of the brightest people I know! I love you, girl!

Words Have Power

I'll be the first to admit that I am a logical positivist with all the downsides and implications that being a positivist entails. However, I do believe strongly that language shapes our reality. What we say and how we communicate influences our relationships, choices, and the world that we create. The words have power.

For example, John Gottman says that for every ONE negative thing you say about your partner, you need at least 10 positive comments to counteract the negative. For all the "I Love You's" and compliments we give a partner, one negative can defeat all of that positivity.

Sapir-Whorf contend if we do not have a word for something then it cannot exist in our world. For example, there are several languages that do not contain an equivalent to the often over-used concept, "self-esteem." So in those cultures, the people cannot suffer from low self-esteem or have self-esteem problems. The concept simply does not exist so how can individuals have an issue with it?

Self-help gurus, such as Wayne Dyer, often proclaim that we should think and speak from the end. For example, there is a job that I really want. I should imagine that the conditions already exist so that I have this job. I should speak to others about this job like I already possess it. Then I will shape my reality so that comes to fruition. Once again, it is the power of words to shape our reality.

Even the Bible tells us that "In the beginning there was the Word." The Word shaped this world we inhabit.

This is a bit headier than most of my musing, but it is something that I've been noticing in the past few weeks in my own life.